My gift is communication. Everyone has complimented me on my writing skills but somehow my verbal communication sucks. I speak honestly and openly. My gift is speaking plain, crisp and clean.
The problem is I’ve been told it’s “offensive,” “gruff,” “harsh,” and, most recently, “brash.” I have no idea why and no reasonable solution. I’ve since figured out my gift is not political correctness.
My gift has power to heal, something my enemies don’t want developed. If I’m not careful, I’ll hurt my kids as I attempt to train them up in the way they should go.
Blind, deaf and dumb
Often when I’m perplexed about a problem my prayers go something like this:
“Lord, I’m bind, deaf and dumb. I don’t know what I’m doing and need your help. What is the solution? Make it big and obvious for me to see. Say it in a very loud voice. I don’t know what to say or pray, so give me the words.”
I consistently get a solution.
Of course I screwed it up … again
Over the last six months I’ve been struggling–in my head–with a particular person at church. They said something that triggered something absolutely ugly. I expected it to come up but I didn’t think it would be so ferocious.
For months I’d see her coming, and my mood and attitude changed. Suddenly, she was a nasty obsession. When I saw her I’d seethe with anger. My self talk was vicious.
I couldn’t understand why I suddenly hated her. During a HeartSync session she blessed me with the mother’s blessing. I was so touched by her that my heart softened toward her. However, the enemy took an opportunity to drive a wedge between us that didn’t exist.
Finally, I’d had enough. I spoke with someone who spoke truth piercing deep into my heart. I was ruined. I realized I allowed the enemy to infiltrate. Days later, I called and apologized.
I confessed what I’d been feeling and thinking. I completely owned everything, and was deeply contrite and apologetic. It was becoming clear she and I would be sharing a destiny together so our mutual enemy was sowing seeds of enmity. I felt that by addressing it head on I would put an end to it. I didn’t want this to interfere with our relationship.
It blew up in my face anyway. I said one thing and she heard another. Now we have to meet with our mentor and walk through this together.
Last week was the first time I didn’t have any negative thoughts about her. When I did, I prayed and it stopped immediately. I’m no longer a slave to fear because I’m a child of God.
I’m figuring out I’m in a refining fire. This stuff hurts because I need to grow differently than I have been growing.
What fire really means
Fire cleanses, refines and reshapes me. I allow others to speak into my life so I can make amends immediately. I want to speak life not death. Though I walk through fire, I will not get burned.
Reminds me of three guys thrown into a fiery furnace who came out not only without a single hair singed but they didn’t even smell like smoke. He’s doing the same for me.
Next week, I end this Parenting with PTSD series talking about refining fire. Don’t lose hope. What heals us heals our kids. As we get better we become better parents.
Posts in this series
Parenting with posttraumatic stress disorder
Discipline requires training, love spelled t-i-m-e
Beatings/Spankings are abuse: plain and simple
Parenting, like marriage, requires work
Parenting is a lifelong-learning proposition
Stop, look, listen and ask yourself questions
The high art of juggling
Downtime: the golden goose of PTSD
Worldwide parenting with PTSD Awareness Day
Parenting is a high call no matter your lot
The drought before the drought
Being misunderstood is a symptom
You are being forged in fire
Awakenings podcast: Parenting with PTSD
For single parents
A tribute to single parents