Belief vs. trust

Belief vs. trust

I visited my bankruptcy lawyer yesterday. It was a nice visit because of the lawyer joke book in the waiting room and his pleasant disposition. My favorite was, “A lawyer and IRS agent are drowning and you can only save one of them. Would you go to lunch or read the newspaper?”
However, the business we had to attend to was incredibly complex and difficult decisions needed to be made. We had to talk about a motion to dismiss my case that was made by the trustee because of payment arrears they claim I have. I can’t dispute because the receipts are buried in a box in a very full pod on my driveway. I explained I could not pay them what they wanted by their due date in two weeks. I want to pay but simply can’t.
Furthermore, my ex-attorney (might as well be an ex-wife) filed for compensation that we will vehemently challenge. BTW, if you live in Silicon Valley and either have or are looking for a good bankruptcy attorney, steer clear of Brette L. Evans of Evans Law Offices in San Jose, Calif. Here’s why:
  • She is unable to retain good, competent staff. Why? The day of our very first meeting, she made me wait for one hour while she was on the phone in her accountant’s office because all of her payroll checks bounced. Later she would blame her slow response on the fact that a key employee quit. Clue #1.
  • After meeting with her for about 90 minutes, she decided she could take my case where other attorneys wouldn’t. Clue #2.
  • I was instructed not to make any more mortgage payments and fill out a gazillion forms. Upon completion of mountains of paperwork and payment of initial fees, she delayed filing for nearly two months. Why? She said she had other more important cases she was working on. My case was not a priority. I wasn’t in foreclosure, i.e., my butt wasn’t on fire, therefore I could wait a while. Clue #3.
  • She has zero customer service skills. Leave a message, you may or may not get a return call. On one of many occasions, I sent an e-mail asking simple questions like, “I have a new real estate agent. What does she need to do next? What is the procedure?” Not only did she make me wait a week before responding, she cut me down with extreme unprofessionalism and vitriol. Somewhere in her nasty note was the very simple answer I requested after reading a rather long rant about how she is overservicing my account, that she wants off of my case and a rather large bill is en route. Clue #4.
 So my new attorney and I spoke about which direction I wanted to go. I informed him I have a new job but I’m only getting paid equity shares, not a salary, at a startup. The company is set to launch by the end of August and I’m hoping we can get a paycheck by then. The expected salary is at least six figures but I can’t claim it until I am a paid employee, and not an unpaid contractor.
In fact, just this morning I got a call from a girlfriend who is a sister in Christ, a prophetess and chairs a Pan-African conference. She wants me to chair the marketing/PR committee and plans to pay me a salary.
Subsequently, my lawyer paired down my choices to only two: Either 1) dismiss and refile making it impossible for my mortgage holder to file foreclosure for at least 30 days and making it possible for us to negotiate to keep the house because I have an income; or 2) sell the house and refile under chapter seven not repaying creditors anything. I told him I’d have an answer by Monday, Tuesday latest.
Sitting in the prayer room yesterday, it occurs to me the real question is whether I trust and believe His promises for me and our family. The other question is will I obey if Jesus says its time to sell? Ugh.
Like the infamous question, “Which came first: the chicken or the egg,” I wondered about my conversion, which came first: belief or trust? Were they simultaneous, instantaneous? What was it God gave me that helped me accept Him as my Lord and Savior? What was it he pricked in my heart that made me believe and trust in Him?
 I hear Him ask me, “Can you see the picture I see? Do you hear what I hear? How far down the path do you see? Is it far enough to make a decision or do you trust what you cannot see? Can you blindly trust me?”
This is  faith: “… The confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see. Through their faith, the people in days of old earned a good reputation,” Hebrews 11:1-2 NLT.
Am I Christian enough to trust God? Do I believe what He says? Will He really follow through on his promises? If I based my answer on His Word, the answer ought to be “Yes.” And yet as I sit here in the prayer room, I’m not sure.
I mean seriously, when I reflect on what I’ve been through, isn’t it obvious God is with me? Have I ever missed a meal? Did my power and water ever get shut-off? Have I ever been homeless? Didn’t I just win two major court decisions on my daughter’s behalf against all odds and sensibilities? A Hall of Faith review in Hebrews 11 ought to remind me who I am and whose I am.
Whom then shall I fear? It’s me. I’m afraid of me. I’m afraid of making the wrong decisions because, after all, I have two kids depending on me not to screw it up. I feel this awesome sense of responsibility yet it’s really in His hands and has been all along. All I’ve had is the “illusion” of control. It’s so hard to let go of the notion that my circumstances are based on my decisions of whether I trust God enough to do for me what I cannot do for myself.
I desperately don’t want to f*ck it up. Now there’s a statement of faith. Did you catch the “I” part? It’s not mine to screw up. It’s mine to give up. Let it go. Co-labor with Jesus, yes, but leave the outcome to him who made me, who knew me while I was in my mother’s womb and died while I was still a sinner.

Trust

So I ask myself again: Am I Christian enough to trust God? I thought I was but now I’m still unsure.Today, I intimately understand the expression, “Leap of Faith.” I am most certainly at a precipice. I need to jump. I wish someone would just push me off the cliff.

ABOUT BORICUA CONFIDENTIAL©™
Boricua Confidential chronicles my new life as a single mom of two kids after my husband died from medullary thyroid cancer on our son’s seventh birthday in 2006. Join me on this journey of change, revival, reformation, discovery and new direction ordered of God.

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