Day 14: Awareness

Day 14: Awareness

30 days of forgiveness

Most of my life I’d been lulled into believing many falsehoods. I lived in a trance believing my upbringing was normal, not as bad as it could have been and if I continue living my life like my parents taught me, I’ll be fine.

Over the last 10 years, I’ve slowly come out of that trance, and become more aware of lies, deceit, manipulation and overwhelming dysfunction that has shaped who I am today.

If you had told me …
I and my brother were sexually assaulted almost every day, then I vehemently would have explained how my father was the best dad this princess ever had. He never would have done anything like it. In fact, at the inception of my recovery my father said he’d want to hurt anyone who would ever do such a thing to me.

If you had told me my mother was an extreme narcissist, then I would have responded that while she may be somewhat self-centered, I wouldn’t characterize it as extreme.

If you had told me I was a ritual abuse survivor, then I would have said my great grandmother only dabbled in “brujeria” or witchcraft despite her well-known reputation for being a witch, use of Florida water, garlic necklaces, an altar in her bedroom and a black net over her bed to keep out evil spirits.

When denial meets reality
The family lifestyle legacy of denial was rampant, viral. No one had a clue why life seemed so problematic yet there were signs of severe dysfunction left and right. Our collective thinking was so distorted crazed living was normal. However, Jesus decided to let this lifestyle end with me.

Self-AwarenessToonI’ve learned that without Jesus in me, negative thoughts become actions in a heartbeat. Without the awareness that I’m involved in a battle for my life and soul, I’d never know to call on Jesus to fight off stinkin’ thinkin’.

When I realize that at my very best I am imperfect then I can accept others and their faults. I’ve been placed on this planet to live a life that Jesus can use. I am broken, wholly surrendered to Jesus. I know that it’s impossible for me to be used of God unless I empty myself and my beliefs so that Jesus can fill me to overflowing with grace, peace and mercy.

I want Jesus to use me to lead my family to a saving knowledge of Jesus Christ. How is this made possible? By accepting and loving my family unconditionally, warts and all. They will never live up to my preconceived and impossible-to-reach standards. That’s where Jesus can come in.

Acceptance and release to Jesus makes it possible for Him to work in all areas of my life.

Points to ponder
What is simply not adding up? What is it that hasn’t felt right for quite some time? Will you explore the root causes? What will you do to raise awareness within yourself so you can begin healing?

Posts in this series
Day 1: Pushing past the pain
Day 2: Stop feeling anger
Day 3: The Lord’s Prayer
Day 4: Detachment
Day 5: Grant a pardon
Day 6: Mercy
Day 7: Release
Day 8: Yield
Day 9: Give up resentment
Day 10: Sacrifice
Day 11: Ascribe
Day 12: Surrender
Day 13: No shame, no blame
Day 14: Awareness
Day 15: Acceptance
Day 16: Action
Day 17: Pain is growth
Day 18: Grace
Day 19: Emotional and spiritual maturity
Day 20: Compassion
Day 21: Don’t give up
Day 22: The house Love built
Day 23: Let the healing begin
Day 24: Freedom
Day 25: Trust God
Day 26: Believe
Day 27: Think positive
Day 28: Restoration
Day 29: My family legacy
Day 30: It’s worth it
Podcast: A little background on Forgiveness series

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